Fear And Self Loathing In Blogging

About three weeks ago I very excitedly bought myself some flares. My good buddy MissionStyle tipped me off to them and when I tried on in-store I thought 'praise the freakin' lord, job done'. I deffo felt they contained my flab, were the right length and had a decent comfort factor. Tick, tick, tick. Then I shot them. And errrrrything changed. These two meagre frames were the only ones I could salvage from that disastrous SS Titanic of a shoot. And even then- let's be honest- I look horrific. Having to bin a set of a pictures is priddy heartbreaking, and I've gotta confess- the whole débacle made me wanna quit blogging (and not for the first time). I guess we've all been there. You kinda feel 'why am I bothering?', 'why am I so fat?' and 'why does every shoot I do not remotely turn out like I hoped it would?' But I thought I'd disclose these lame-ass shots anyway in order to delve a little more into the wretched thought patterns that whirl round the mind of a fashion blogger, and see if there's owt to draw from them.

Comparison Anxiety

I recently saw an interesting piece in Grazia about a girl who had to get therapy for her instagram 'problems'. Seriously though. She was literally driving herself insane with thoughts that all her friends were leading amaaazing lives and she wasn't. This is basically where logic leaves you and paranoia sets in. It's at times like this I like to revisit a bit of Susan Sontag. If you haven't read her, get on it.

The Girl Can't Help It

There's no getting away from it- I'm short and fat. Whilst my logical mind knows this, I still seem to harbour a very weird misguided notion that when I shoot a look somewhere along the way I will magically turn into Chiara F, Camille C or Gala G. As a blogger you are constantly faced with images of yourself and your physical shortcomings, which is unfortunately where ever decreasing circles of negativity start to fester. 

Style Blackouts

I got it realllly wrong with this outfit. So so wrong. The mirror told me one thing, the camera lens another. I should've worn a shirt and a heel. Probably. And as usual my insistence on wearing a hat didn't help matters either. I used to wear flares allllll the time about five years ago. I remember wrestling a girl in Liberty to the ground for the last pair of 18th Amendment jeans (yes, them!) in a Size 25 and absolutely luvin' them. And I also recall going to Westfield (in Shepherd's Bush) the first weekend it opened wearing a Topshop pair and trotting into Donna Ida only to have the shop assistant declare undying love for my denim. (You know you're doing something right when a girl that works with £200 + jeans all day every day likes your thirty quid jobs). But I guess I was thinner then. 

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I have to admit I hate shooting, I hate looking at pictures of myself and I hate competing. Which makes it ermmm, quite tricky to be a blogger. But I love clothes. I love them in a way I can't even express, and despite having a face like a bag of spanners and a body like a pre-gastric band patient I don't think I can jump off this kerrrrrazy rollercoaster just yet. Catch you soon (hopefully) xx 

PS Don't hate the flares, hate the player

Skinny Rib- Topshop//Jeans- Topshop

Bomber- Topshop//Fedora- Catarzi//Boots- Gap

10 Classic Blogging Disasters

When you're blogging, things go wrong. Like, all the freaking time. So, let's have a look at some of those unfortunate moments now, just for the LOLZ. 

Shooting Without Your Sunnies Is Pointless

My eyes look shit. Hence why I always wear shades. Sometimes I forget though. Or think...hmmm...maybe I'm not that quinty-eyed and minging so I'll give it a whirl. Disaster darling. End Of.
Clothes Note- OMG- Ash wedge trainers! How I loved them so. How ludicrous they look now. And this Majé coat. Loved that too. Look how fitted it is. Jeez.

Never Work With Animals Or Children

Granted, this baby is well cute. His daddy even offered me a loan of him for further shooting. I declined coz...time is of the essence when you're trying to get some shots done, and fashion blogging generally requires you, yourself and your outfit. Dunnit.

Clothes Note- Skorts!! Arrrgggh. Some girls still wear these don't they? WTF?

Some Pictures Are Just Boring Beyond Belief

I was gonna do a whole big post on how I hate La Roche Posay and how their products do nowt zero nada for my skin. So I set up this classic blogger cliché photo of Products + Vogue. In the end though I decided a) I'm not really in the position to slag products- mostly coz my skin is spectacularly bad and reacts like an insane raging inferno with just about everything and anything I put on it- and b) The images were just too dull and sending me to sleep. Next!

Shooting In The Snow Ain't Fun

It's a blogger's dream when the white stuff hits...or is it? Actually- it's a myth, it's a legend, don't believe the hype. Not only is it a) freaking freezing (obvs) and b) difficult not to fall over but c) the camera does not like it. My advice? Sack the whole thing off. Stay in with a hot choccie, a magazine and an iPad. Then surf Aussie blogs and kill yourself.

Clothes Note- I literally didn't take skater skirts off for about a year. What was I thinking? And let's blame American Apparel for the neon beanie thing.

Cameras Are Bad Bitches

I have a Nikon 3100 with a kit lens and a 50mm/1.8. Only after I bought said camera did I learn that it doesn't support a remote. Fail 1. Then I discovered that my "good lens" was an evil bastard that never did what I wanted it to. Not only does a 50mm only capture full images successfully in portrait not landscape mode, but it's so ultra sensitive that 9 out of every 10 shots is blurred. It requires no less than a real human being behind it at all times to tell it what to do. And I don't have a real human being handy most of the time. So my piccies come out super-shit. I know most bloggers end up teaching themselves this stuff, or just have boyfriends. But cameras to me = maths. You need a maths brain to figure this shit out, and I have a words brain. And as for a boyfriend. I think I'm more likely to become the next Patrick Demarchelier than find me wan o' them. ("Get me Patrick!" "I have Patrick for you".)

She Wants To Move

The ultimate fashion blogging shot is the one where the subject simply walks nonchantly through a cityscape a la Tommy Ton. But doing anything other than standing perfectly still is a reallllly bad idea if you don't understand shutter speeds. I won't bang on again about not understanding cameras one teeny tiny bit (coz I just have) but a happy accident once in a while would be sumfing quite amaze. Go on God, throw me a bone.

Cleavages Aren't Cool

Boobies are definitely not chic. They're not cool. They're just not fashion. My set grew rapidly at 13 and stayed at DD level until I started dieting quite a lot. Then I got them down to a more manageable D. Then with even more dieting (and quite a bit of ageing) they are now about a C. They still look stupid and way too cleavagey though. I mean, this picture would have probably looked alright were it not for the unfortunate San Andreas Fault Line running betwixt my chests.

I Hate My Hair

My hair is literally the worst thing in the world. EVAH. It's basically like a coconut shy. No matter how much oil I put on it, it's still as dry as a freaking bone. Plus, it looks ginger in pictures. And it breaks. And falls out. You get the picture. So I always wear a hat to shoot. I mean, I love a hat. But I'd be the first to admit that sometimes they can make an outfit worse not better. But my hair upsets me more than the thought of ruining a look. So covered it's gonna stay. 

Clothes Note- Still love this crop top. Just sayin'.

Don't Blame It On The Sunshine

The elements are nearly always your enemy when shooting. Rain is probably Enemy No 1, closely followed by bright sunshine. In the hands of a good photographer, being all backlit an' that can be stunning. But here we have a classic example of good ole lens flare. I guess it's kinda priddy in its own sweet way. Apparently, you can avoid it by having the right thingy to put over your lens (you know, like one of those things that dogs have to wear after they have an operation). 

Hi! I Can See You!

I'm a bit of a sunnies addict (reason being coz my eyes are like piss holes in the snow, as mentioned early doors in this post). Plus, I always like to throw 'em in a flat lay too. But then we encounter the thorny problem of seeing yourself, taking a picture, reflected in the lens of the glasses. It just looks lame. I've even seen some of the world's top fashion bloggers have this problem. In a way it's kinda vérité-ish and "real", but at the same time, you mostly just look like a dick. I mean, how nice would this lay have been without me showing up?

Let me know your blogging experiences dolls, would love to hear. Laterz xx