I love a life update post, don't you? So much so, that I thought I'd throw my hat into the ring and attempt to spill (hopefully in a mildly diverting manner) on what's going down wit' me. So, first up-
Life As We Know It
My health, unfortunately, continues to dominate my existence. I've never been an "ill" person, and having to deal on a daily basis with so many difficult issues has left me in despair much of the time. *Soz to start on a downer, but let's get this shit out the way first. Health Problem 1: my eyes are still severely fucked up. When they say blepharitis is incurable, they really mean it. My day begins with rounds of eye cleaning, massage and eye drops. It's massively time consuming and massively annoying. I've basically forgotten what it's like to look and feel 'normal'. I miss wearing make-up so much (and in one of many illogical moves- I just keep buying the stuff- but it's an oddly pleasurable torment all the same). There's no respite anywhere with bleph as heat, light, darkness, food and just about everything else trigger unbelievably painful symptoms. Also, having to take 'conventional' medication troubles me greatly- I'd love to stop as I want to try and heal properly and 'eat myself well', but I get scared every time I attempt to phase out my tablets. Plus, there's a money factor to all this- one that exacerbates my stress even more- every single eye cream, lotion, wipe, tablet and drop costs a freaking bomb. Some of that stuff is available on the NHS, some ain't.
Then there's Health Problem 2: my brain infection. In 2013 I contracted a virus that affects the part of your brain where it meets the inner ear. It affects your balance and makes you feel shit. The symptoms are similar to those of Lyme disease (and if you know anything about that you'll know it's utterly terrifying). The best way I can describe it is when you're walking forwards, it feels like you're walking sideways. You feel drunk at best, and on a bad acid trip at worst. And in the last few weeks it's returned to haunt me. I had to have rehab in 2014 to help me walk again in a 'balanced' way, and now I'm feeling so devastated that it's back to blight my life. The only thing that relieves the symptoms is lying down and sleeping, and I have to fight the whole day not to give into that urge. I have zero energy and wake up knackered. Most days I honestly don't know how or why I even get out of bed at all. And then there's Health Problem 3: about a month ago I cracked my front tooth. I looked like an old gypsy. And after 3 rounds of dental work (drilling, injections, the whole nine yards- and a hefty bill of £500) I'm now the owner a new gnasher. One that is.....a completely different sodding colour to the rest of my teeth. The dentist has said it will 'settle down' and blend in more after a few weeks, but I'm doubting that. I can't actually face getting it done again- but I can't go around looking like Worzel Gummidge either. Don't get me wrong- I know there's people out there with way worse problems, and lots more pain than me, I'm just not the kind of person who can 'power through' their problems. And speaking of problems (which I very much have been doing) let's move onto:
Unsurprisingly (I guess), I don't have a boyfriend. I can almost hear Lloyd Grossman now "Who'd go out with a girl with a face like this?". (Feeling ya Lloyd). In many ways, being ill has taken me so far out of the dating game it's actually a relief. There is a manchild, however, I like. A lot. I met him about 18 months ago and if you look up 'bad boy' in the dictionary you will doubtless see his beautiful little face staring back at you. I like that we're a mismatch, I like that he's too young for me and I like that he's trouble with a capital T. I think of him daily. I stalk him on FB. (Obvs). I was *this close* the other day to liking one of his extremely frequent selfies. (In love with himself he certainly is). But what would that achieve? Absolutely nothing (I think). Sure, he might respond. But how could I possibly meet him looking like this? Could I kiss him when he still smokes and I've had to give up? (Actually, imbibing 2nd hand tobacco sounds quite appealing come to think of it). I can't drink, I can't eat out, I can't even go to the cinema (the extreme dark and light hurts my eyes). And not that he'd go- but I doubt I'll ever see the inside of a theatre again either (ref: cinema for explanation). All routes of being social and of being normal, are cut-off for me. The only things I can do are work, walk, and shop. Which brings me to:
So I've been prattling on for hours now when all you wanna really know about is these shoes, right? Heaven aren't they? There was no point (boom boom) me buying them as the only time I'll wear them is on doctors appointments, but I desperately need little hits like this to cheer me up at the moment. So I went for it. If I hadn't had to pay for my tooth you may well be looking at pictures of a Chloé Faye instead. But the God Of Canines wants me to spend my dollar elsewhere. The bastard, eh? Catch you soon xx
Shoes- Topshop//Jeans- H&M//Jazzy Cushion & Picture Frame- Ikea